12/21/04

Dear Ed and Dana,

I am in the 4th month of a new relationship where my boyfriend is very interested introducing a black man into our sex life. I have never experienced something like this before and am wondering if it is right for me. I am a 29 year old sexual abuse survivor and have been in therapy for roughly 4 years. My relationship with this man is very strong. The strongest in my life because of the progress I have made in therapy and our ability as a couple to communicate. I have voiced all my concerns regarding my fears of jealousy, whether I am ready for this, and, most importantly, my fears regarding the negative impact this could have on our relationship. My conclusion is that we need to wait and establish more trust, through time, before we move forward with swinging and I said we should revisit the issue in 5 months or whenever I feel more comfortable.

I am very interested in this idea. I find it extremely sexually stimulating and erotic, but I am not sure if I view it as fun. I know that I would enjoy the act; however, I am afraid that I would feel remorse after. To eliminate this possibility, we decided to wait a while. In the meantime, I am trying to determine whether this is right for me. As a sex abuse victim, I am afraid that I might feel my boyfriend manipulated me into this sexually degrading act. HOWEVER, intellectually and intuitively I know that he is not. He truly feels like this will be an experience for us to share and grow as a couple, and he does not want me to swing if I am not comfortable.

That said, my concern is that this is a huge risk, that could potentially destroy our relationship, which I am begining to cherish. I am afraid I will have an unconcious reaction to the event and pull away. Do you feel like swinging can be enjoyed and healthy for sexual abuse victims and what are some of the most important questions I should be asking?

Thanks for your help,
K

Dear K,

First the caveat: We are not certified therapists of any kind. The advice below is based solely on the experience of two people and must be evaluated as such.

We are glad that you have found a relationship that you feel is “very strong,” but we really don’t think that 4 months is long enough to prepare a relationship for the kind of stresses you are considering. Four years, maybe, but definitely not 4 months.

It is not at all uncommon to be stimulated by the idea of sex with a person of a different race. In fact, any sort of difference can be exciting and we believe in enjoying one’s fantasies for all they’re worth. On the other hand, thinking of such a commonplace and generally pleasant activity as being “sexual degrading” is not a good sign. Not only does it suggest the possibility of unconscious racism on your part, it implies that your boyfriend may get off by degrading his sex partners. The latter would be especially troubling in light of your previous abusive relationship.

We suggest you shelve the idea of swinging for at least a year or more and then start slowly, trying one small step at a time (as suggested in other letters on our site). Once you are fully comfortable with sharing each other’s experiences with more familiar partners, then you may better evaluate the consequences of making your fantasy a reality.

Stay Playful,
Ed and Dana