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Dear CJ,
Welcome to the wonderful, and sometimes challenging,
world of sexual openness. Glad you found the website helpful. Hope
you find the books the same. Your letter (nicely written, by the
way) brings up issues that are somewhat covered in our books and
seminars, but we might add a little here.
We find nothing unusual or wrong or crazy about your
reactions. Sharing intimacy can be trickier than sharing sexual
activities.
Jealousy is anxiety caused by a perceived threat to
your relationship with your husband. It is perfectly natural and
laudable to protect that relationship. So, don’t feel bad about
feeling jealous. On the other hand, jealousy isn’t a pleasant
feeling, so you need to face the cause and eliminate it. Complete
honesty and full communication with each other (as you seem to be
doing) is the key.
More specifically, consider these points:
- Swinging works best, in our experience, when it
is done together. Not just “in the same room” together, but “as a
partnership” together. Sort of like the difference between running
in the same race and participating in a three-legged race. The
analogy isn’t perfect; you don’t need to rope your thighs
together; it’s more of a mental thing. As we say in Considering
Swinging, you are not sharing your mate with someone else, you and
your mate are sharing the experience of being with someone else.
Both of you need to be aware of the other’s mood, desires, and
needs and be ready to offer assistance and reassurance to each
other.
- Being in a sexual situation with other couples
demands honesty and compassion, but it doesn’t require the same
level of emotional involvement as a marriage. Every couple has
little things they do or say to each other that are best kept to
themselves.
- “Being careful” about what we say and do is a
requirement in any swinging encounter just as much as in any other
social situation. Enjoying the total abandon of the thought-free,
carefree, “zipless fuck” is a dream, even for many conjugal
bedmates. Don’t expect to find it readily with another
couple.
- It is natural to be nervous and hypersensitive
when trying something new and different. Much of what bothered you
the first time will seem unimportant and non-threatening as you
become more experienced.
You didn’t say if your new friends were likewise
novices. If they were, they might be troubled by the same thoughts
as you and welcome a discussion of the topic. We recommend
socializing with more experienced swingers, even if you don’t have
sex with them, just to expand your perspectives and give you a forum
for discussing your feelings.
As for swinging being sex or making love, that’s
somewhat like asking if dinner at a restaurant is sustenance or
entertainment, business or romance – could be all or any, depending
on the attitude and desires of the participants. You and your
husband don’t have to have exactly the same approach, but each of
you does need to understand, accept, and support the attitudes and
desires of the other.
Stay
Playful,
Ed and Dana |
