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Dear
Open Minded,
You say that your husband secretly
had a “complete sexual relationship” with another woman. We can’t
tell from that ambiguous and euphemistic phrase whether this was a
one-night stand or an affair of some duration. If it was just a
momentary lapse, we would encourage you to forgive him and use the
experience as a stimulus to strengthen your relationship. If it was
a repeated indiscretion, we think the two of you have some major
trust issues to work out before you even consider opening up your
marriage.
Although we have been swingers
for decades, we do not encourage “open marriage” as you seem to
envision it. We have both tried that approach, have seen many other
couples try it, and have never known it to result in the betterment
of the marriage. Experiencing the pleasures and thrills of dating
while enjoying the security and comfort of marriage is a very
alluring idea. But very few people, if any, have either the time or
the emotional energy to successfully carry on two intimate
relationships simultaneously. Sooner or later, the stresses become
overwhelming and one relationship will give way to the other, and
it’s usually the newer one that wins
out.
We totally
empathize with the desire for something more than physical monogamy,
but it’s far better to seek freedom within your marriage,
rather than from your marriage. As we emphasize in our books,
strong relationships are built on shared experiences. The main
attraction of swinging is that it is something couples do together.
Just talking about it later is a poor substitute for interacting
with each other in real time (even if you have no reason to doubt
the trustworthiness of your partner).
The
way to “get past” the feeling of being left out of an experience is
to avoid being left out of that experience. Don’t let lofty
notions of “openness” persuade you to abandon your own desires and
instincts.
Best
wishes,
Ed and Dana
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