2/20/03

Dear Ed and Dana,

We are writing to you because we came across your website and we need a bit of advice. We've been swinging now for just over a year and it has mostly been female/female stuff then the guys get to join their respective spouses. Recently, we've begun performing oral sex on our fellow couple and this turned out to be a huge turn on.
    We've talked about doing a full swap but there's one hang-up. I've only been with one man my whole life and that's my husband. Before we were married I thought that he would be the only one I would ever share a bed with, boy has this changed. My concern is that I will regret doing a full swap because I will lose something special with him. It has been my impression that most women in swinging couples have had multiple partners before they started.
    My questions are, is it OK to still think I have something special with him even though we've done ALOT of other things and two, if I did do a full swap, what would be the best ways to deal with any guilt or regret that I may have afterwards.
    Thank you so much for your help.

B in New Orleans.

Dear B,

Your question about retaining “something special” is an important one. Given your experiences to date, and in view of the “soft” in your e-mail address, we’d like to preface our answer with a few comments on “soft swinging” that we’ve been wanting to make for some time. Thanks for giving us this opportunity.
    Back when swinging was mostly done at private parties, “soft swinging” meant pursuing friendships as well as coitus (as opposed to “hard” or “hard-core” swingers who didn’t want any social interactions outside the bedroom). As swinging becomes more commercialized, some of the major clubs, travel agencies, and other enterprises are trying to expand the definition of swinging in hopes of attracting a wider patronage. They reason that the broader the definition of “swinging” the more “swingers” there will be, and the more customers they might attract to their business. These are the same people who appropriated the term “lifestyle” to refer exclusively to swinging – even though there are many alternative sexual lifestyles with equal claim to that label. As a result, what used to be considered merely baby steps toward becoming a swinger (only watching, only touching, etc.) are now touted as subsets of the “lifestyle.”
    We are not saying that there is anything wrong with advancing one step at a time at your own pace. In fact, we highly recommend that approach. There are dangers, however, in thinking of soft swinging as a lifestyle unto itself.
    First off, Mother Nature doesn’t appreciate foreplay without follow-through, and going against Her desires can trigger a number of threats to your relationship. If one is caught up in the flow of the moment and has to stop because of a prior agreement, one tends to feel resentment toward that agreement. Given enough time, that resentment will spread to the spouse with whom the agreement was made. Then there is the question of what happens if one fails to stop at the critical point. As at teenage make-out parties, resolutions not to “go all the way” are often short-lived. We feel it unwise to continue to hang out at the bakery when you are pledged to a low-carb diet – there’s just too much risk of lapse and recrimination.
    Another difficulty we have with soft swinging is the effect it has on couple-to-couple relationships. One of the greatest rewards of swinging is the friendships that develop between couples. A key factor in the strength and longevity of these friendships is the lack of sexual tension within the group. Relationships between non-swinging couples are often strained because cross-couple flirtations lead to suspicion and jealousy. In contrast, people who have swung together have “been there, done that,” allowing everyone to feel less threatened and much closer to each other. Soft swinging actually has the opposite effect; it increases the level of sexual tension to the point that everyone has to be constantly on alert for violations of “the rules.” This makes comfortable friendships almost impossible over the long term.
    The biggest problem we see with soft swinging, is that the prohibited easily becomes the desired. That is, we tend to want precisely the thing that we cannot have. The more one tries to avoid something, the more it impinges on one’s mind. (We know a woman whose first husband told her she could have sex with anyone but Mr. X … Guess who she is married to today!) As a couple continues to participate in soft swinging, they become more and more fixated on the very idea of penetration. As a result, intercourse is given far more importance than it deserves. And that is dangerous.
    Many couples dive right in and enjoy unrestricted swinging from their very first encounter, others take their time wading into deeper waters. Either approach is fine. We firmly believe that swinging can strengthen and enhance a marriage; but “soft swinging,” over the long run, has the contrary effect.
    Now, in regard to the specifics of your e-mail: You failed to say if your husband was a virgin when you married, so we assume he was not. We doubt that his past experiences cause him to think you any less special. We see no reason to think that you would react differently and think less of him once you have had intercourse with other men. The opposite is more likely true.
    We can’t speak for “most women” but we have known several whose first experience with another man was in swinging, and we’ve noticed no difference in how easily they adapted to it and how much they enjoyed it.
    The “special” thing that you and your husband have is the body of experiences you have shared. You cannot lose that. What you can lose is the opportunity to widen your shared experiences. There’s always some risk to that, but as long as the two of you communicate well and stick together, you’ll have no reason to feel guilty.

Stay Playful,
Ed and Dana