 |
|
|
| Answers and Advice |
|
 |
When One Partner Wants to Stop Swinging |
|
2/27/2002
Hi,
I surfed on your site
and checked it out. It's very
good.
My wife and I were involved
in swinging for about 5 yrs. We're in our early 40's now. We swung
more as a hobby than a lifestyle. We first met other couples through
the contact magazines by mail correspondence then went on-line. We
never went to clubs or on a vacation to a swingers resort but may
have wanted to check it out one day. We mostly partied with other
couples one on one at their place or ours when we could get the kids
on an overnight. Maybe every 2-3 months we'd party with another
couple. We had a small circle of couples we'd take turns getting
together with. We even got together just socially at times because
we wanted to be friendly in and out of the bedroom with other
couples. Some couples we drifted apart from, but a small core we
remained with.
My wife began to
lose enthusiasm and then just wanted to stop swinging about 2 yrs.
ago. I didn't want to stop but I gave it a try. She didn't have a
problem getting together with couples socially and I thought I
wouldn't but it bothers me more than her! I hoped she'd eventually
come around again and we've had our discussions and arguments over
it. It's been over 2 yrs. now and we're still stuck at an
impasse.
I think she's more afraid
of me having too good a time with the other woman and that I'm
looking for a substitute for her and that prevented her from having
a good time with her swing partner after a while. I always told her
and it's true, that I love to hear or see her having a good time
with another man. Certainly I like to enjoy another woman but I tell
her it's just recreational sex when we party with other couples. I
always liked for her to tell me what she did when we partied
separately with other couples and told her it turned me on, but I
could see she wasn't very interested when I told her what I did with
the other woman in the next
room.
Can you offer any advice or
suggestions? I've told her I love her and am not going to leave her
over swinging but I haven't been the same happy camper since we
stopped.
Thanks.
TR
|
|
Dear
TR,
We sympathize with your difficulty
in trying to return to a nonphysical relationship with previous
swing partners. When someone changes the rules, the relationships
change too. You can't go back to the way you were, because everyone
is different now. We do not mean to imply, however, that couples who
have partied together are obligated to do so every time they meet.
We see several couples socially that we haven't swung with in years.
But we don't feel restricted by that … we know we can if the mood
strikes us.
You say that your wife
lost her enthusiasm about 2 years ago; but how enthusiastic was she
prior to that? if she was an avid player and suddenly changed, then
you must find out why. Speculation on our part would be worse than
useless. On the other hand, if she never really liked swinging, and
only went along because she was trying to please you, then you
probably should abandon the idea if you want to remain married to
her. Or, maybe, just maybe, a different approach to swinging would
change her mind.
We infer from
your letter that your prior swinging experience was mostly closed,
that is, you and your wife went your separate ways at parties.
Although we have nothing against this practice per se, we
have observed that swinging rarely improves the marriages of couples
who resist sharing the sex-play
experience. But please remember that swinging is not critical to a successful and
happy marriage … open and honest communication is.
Stay
Playful,
Ed and
Dana
| |
|
| |
|
