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| Answers and Advice |
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| "Discover A Simple Way To Meet Women From
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Wife Fearful of Swinging |
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2/28/02
Dear Ed
and Dana,
My husband and I have
been married for 22 years and we both feel that we have a pretty
good relationship. My husband has just ask me about swinging with
another couple and with another female and with another male. All at
difference times, but these are the things that he wants me to do.
Now my problem is I am very jealous and I don't want to see him with
another women.
He tells me that
this is just to add to our sex life and try something new. I never
had a feeling to be with anyone else but him. I am also very old
fashion, I guess because I feel that when you are married there
should not be anyone else.
I love
my husband very much and I would like to show him how much I do by
doing the things that he wants me to do, but I don't know if I can
do this. I don't know anything about being with another women, and I
am not sure if I could handle it when my husband joins in. I get a
very sick feeling in my stomach when we talk about it and I am
trying to be open minded about these ideas. I have alot of fears
about this and I don't want to get hurt or hurt our marriage in
trying these things for him.
We do
talk alot about it and I do tell him how I feel about these things,
he tells me to think of it as just sex. I am still afraid, and don't
know what to do. When we talk about it and he hears what I say, I
see the disappointment in his face and hear it in his voice that he
is afraid that I will say no.
How
do I over come these fears and let myself do the things that he
wants to do? I try to tell him that I really don't think that I can
handle this, what do I do? I will be waiting for an answer to see if
you can help me.
Thank you so very much.
"Very
Confused"
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Dear "Very Confused"
There are two keys to freeing you
of your fears and confusion; these are patience and
understanding.
What you must
understand are your options, constraints, and purposes.
Options are discovered first by reading the responses to other letters on this site
and then by observation (in person and on the Web). Your constraints
and purposes are understood via thoughtful communication between you
and your husband. (Guidance in this communication process will be
found throughout those books and
letters.)
Patience is a key
not only because gaining understanding takes time, but because
expanding the scope of marital sexuality doesn't have to be like
jumping off a cliff. We advise taking the stairs — one small and
easy step at a time, until you really feel you can
fly.
We have alluded to these steps
in another letter, but will elaborate here. An important thing to
remember is that each step is really a plateau where you can linger
as long as you wish. So, once you have done your homework, try these
steps:
1. Visit a swing club
(off-premise is probably preferable the first time). Go several
times (the crowd will change) and attend more than one club if
feasible. Agree beforehand that you are going just to observe and
learn and that there will be no sexual interaction with others.
Stick to that agreement, even if you feel like changing it, at least
during your initial visit. Watch the proceedings and converse with
those who seem friendly and attractive to you. Be honest about your
situation; everyone was new to the scene once. Contrary to the
public image, few swingers are predatory; most will be friendly,
empathetic, and helpful. Remember at all times that you are a
couple. Hold each other, kiss each other, do whatever feels good
with each other (to the extent club rules allow). When you leave, go
home or back to your hotel and talk and make love, repeating the
process as the mood strikes.
2.
Find a couple willing to have sex in the same room with the two of
you so that you can watch and be watched while only touching your
spouses. Some couples enjoy such sharing as their main or only
practice, others will be willing to participate because they enjoy
it and want to encourage you as you find your wings. How do you
locate such couples? … Ask. Most swingers are remarkably open to
straight talk and direct requests concerning
sex.
3. [This can be lots of
separate steps.] Once you are comfortable with the above, try
allowing other interactions such as caressing, kissing, licking, and
oral sex. Doing everything but coitus with another couple is
sometimes referred to as "soft swinging." It isn't really swinging,
but it can be very pleasurable. Lots of couples start this way and
some never go further — and that's
okay.
4. It may take a long
time before you feel like "going all the way" with another couple.
It may only take an evening or two. The great majority of women in
swinging were quite concerned about the idea before they tried it —
and then quite surprised at how quickly they came to love it. But,
everyone is different, so take things at your own pace. You are in
control and you can stop at any
time.
Above all, HAVE
FUN!
Please write again; we'd love
to hear how things work out.
Stay Playful,
Ed and Dana
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